Saturday, 9 February 2013
I often envision myself on a TV screen with microphones in my face giving my opinion to people who really want it, or responding to some accolade that I've just been given. I want to be respected, revered, admired, publicly. I want to be famous for being good, clever and helpful. There, I've said it and it's making me laugh, partly with relief, and partly because it's such a benign secret (I hope).
I want to make the world better. That's why I'm here. I wonder how I'll do it. Perhaps it will be the book that I'm writing with my sister.
At the moment I'm deciding how vulnerable to be. Can you tell? Being vulnerable is helpful to others. It makes us bigger in the world - the more open we are the more there is of us out there. But vulnerability takes strength and for someone who's up and down it's frightening some days to think that people may think you weird. Still I dream of being truthful about who I am. The idea is to get there in small steps, one risk at a time. It doesn't matter if you retreat a little bit while you wait for one of your risks to feel comfortable.
'You have to risk being the weirdo cast-off in order to truly belong. You have to stand up, your spine tall with a shaky voice and speak your truth. It’s as if you’re stranded in the mountains with your truth as your smoke signal. It’s your way of signalling to the rescue plane “I’m here! Right here!” You have to risk isolation in order to find community.'